Why don't you leave???

When you are deceiving your partner, why do you try and change the script? Why do you make it look like you are innocent and your partner is the one in the wrong?

Let me give you an example:

You are sleeping with/seeing someone else, obviously behind your partners back. Then you do something like, for example, get all dressed up with loads of aftershave on or perfume you get yourself all done up to go out "alone". Your about to step out of the door when your partner has a go at you, an arguement starts. You know you are about to go and do some deceitful. Your partner is not silly, he or she has seen the texts you receive early hours of the morning, you switch your phone off at night! You get those phone calls where your are hardly speaking, just one word answers.

So you got all this going on and now your all dressed up looking good and smelling good. You are on your way out the door and you expect your partner not to say anything to you! What is all that about? Why do people who cheat act like victims at this time? So your partner starts on you, telling you, they know what you are up to. You then play the victim. You call people and tell them how your partner is mad, they are accusing you of all kinds of things. You start to say many negative things about your partner, knowing exactly what you are about to go and do. Your partner is not mad, you are the one who is going out to deceive your partner.

Why do we do this? Do we not know there is such a thing as Karma? If this is what you are doing to another human being don't you think it is best for you to leave and move on? why are you still there?

I believe when it gets to this stage, its time for one of you to move on permanently. The one doing the cheating should leave. Why are you still there? Are things too nice for you at home what is it?

Should we do what we want to do?

Should we do what we want to do, when our partner doesn't agree with it?

This is a difficult one. For me I believe it depends on the outcome. We need to remember we are all individuals. We must be able to still do things which make us happy regardless of the relationship. If you have decided to do something which your partner does not like, first find out why he doesn't like it. You need to really look at the final outcome. Ask yourself these questions:

Will it benefit me or him?

Will I be happy with the final outcome?

Will it help me to achieve my goal?

How long will he be upset for?

Do you believe he will get over it, then accept it and move on?

Is it the best thing for you?

Will it make you truly happy?

Will it help you to move On?

I believe once you have the answers to those questions, then you should be able to make the right decision. There is no point in upsetting others if what you want to do is only a short term fix, to a long term problem.

A small gift.

It really is the little things in life that really count. Sometimes its nice to just come home with a small thank you gift for your loved one. The other day I went out for coffee sat down and started taking some notes. I got an instinct to go out an buy something small for my husband. I went to the card shop and bought a blank card. I went back to the coffee shop and wrote a small message in there for my husband. I started to thank him for all the support he gives me throughout our relationship. My husband was so grateful for the £1.99 card. He felt loved and cared for. It reminded him of what we have together and why we are together.

You see its not always about the grand gestures. Its not about how much it cost. Its really showing your partner how much you care about him, how you think about him. Its these small things that are really the big things in relationships.

That was on Friday today he is still walking around on cloud nine. It will remind him of how special you are. He has been that little bit more attentive towards me. Its funny as I have noticed the extra attention. Its nice.

So ladies tomorrow, go out there and do something small for him. Don't do the usual things. In fact do what I done. Get that card and tell him how grateful you are for him. Just watch how much he appreciates it. We shouldn't always expect to get gifts. We can give too.

Hopefully soon, he will be able to show you how grateful, he is to have you too.

Are you a Surviour of an abusive relationship?

Hi ladies,

I would like your help on this one. I am in the process of writing a book on relationships. I would like to understand women who have been abused physically in their relationships and have come out the other side.

I watched my mother for years put up with a lot of abuse from my father. I would like to explore and find out what got you out of it?

What were your challenges?

Please leave me your name and email address in the box on the right. Once I have received it I will send you a personal message asking you a few questions. It will all be anonymously done. I will not reveal any names. Your names and email addresses will be safe with me.

Thank You.

Lets not abuse him

Some of us women are terrible. We abuse our men with insulting words, then wonder why they treat us the way they do. How do you feel when someone, anyone says something negative to you? We don't feel very nice do we? Well imagine a loved one telling you that your useless!

I have witnessed so many times when women throw insults at their men. They tell them things which are not encouraging, then expect them to wine and dine them after. No No No women, they wont. We have to nurture our men, we have to show them love attention and affection. If they upset us, lets not insult them. Why would you call him a "complete fool, useless, your not a real man, I can find better than you" You women out there know who I'm talking about. If this fits you, then fix up.

A real man needs to feel like a real man. The reason I'm putting this on you women is because, I have witnessed some decent men get abused by you women. I have witnessed sentences like, "Your so unintelligent, maybe you should go back to school", or " you don't stimulate my mind, your conversations bore me". How the hell is that going to get you a decent man or even keep a decent man?

You see the way I do it, When my husband is upset with me, or I'm upset with him. I let it all out and communicate my issue with him, at the same time pointing out his good points. When I was a teenager, I would insult men and put them down, then I would wonder why they acted so distant towards me!

We all need to be reminded of our good points. If you want someone to notice something negative about themselves, make sure you also point out the good in them too.

Advice from friends.

When we have problems within our relationships, we tend to go to our friends with the problem and ask for advice. Its great to have friends and go to them for advice but it doesn't mean we must take the advice all the time. Most of the time our friends will have our best interest at heart, the problem is, they are not in your relationship. We can all have a moan about our relationship and if we moan too much, on the outside, it will appear that we have a very unhappy relationship when this may not really be the case.

Behind close doors we all have much different relationships to what our friends may see. The problem is, if you go to your friends with all your relationship problems, then they may judge it wrong. Not meaning to , but they can only go by what you tell them. Most of the time, we can paint a picture worse than what it is because we are angry at the time. No one sees what really goes on behind those closed doors apart from you and your partner.

I know in the past I must have given some really bad advice in my teenage years as I was very anti men. I believed all men were useless and just out for what they could get. Most of my advice was quite negative. It was very hard for me to see the good in men. So in future when you do go to a friend for advice, look at the state of their relationship first, or see what their views on men are first. No one is perfect, there is going to be ups and downs in all relationships. Just because you have had an argument about money or the children, there is no need for you to go running to a friend with all the information. Don't always go moaning to your friend. You may be really happy with your partner, but with all the moaning and complaining to your Friends it does not come across that way, so the advice could be negative, which will not help your relationship indoors.

Moan at him instead, until you feel better about the situation.

Of course as women we will speak about our relationships. what I am saying is don't share your whole relationship with your friends, its none of their business really. If you do tend to share things with your friends, make sure its the good things too. This way you can attract more goodness into your relationship.

The next blog I will write about how we women at times be-little our men with the words we use.

Taking us for granted

We all tend to take the other for granted at times. Sometimes when we speak about it, we feel as though we are not being heard.

There are some real liberty taking men out there. I have seen them and I have been with them in the past. They expect you to cook everyday, keep a clean home, look after children, wash your clothes theirs and the children. Plus you are still meant to walk around with a smile on your face everyday and not complain about being tired. You also go to work within all that process. For all the things you do, there is no thank you, there is no "oh darling put your feet up, Ill do that today". You know what the worse thing of all this is? We women put up with it then complain to our friends.

Now women, if your man is not disabled, why are you running around like a fool? If you enjoy doing all that, then great but for all you women out there who don't like it and are not sure how to change it, then let me give you a few clues.

Try going away and staying with a family member for a whole night and day. Dont have an argument about it, just do it casually. Let him see how hard you have it. Let him cook his own food and wash up after himself. Do the little subtle things. Dont change the bed for two weeks, see if he notices it. Dont cook for a few days. Tell him your tired. Break the chain, do things out of pattern. Start spending more time with your friends. Do these things slowly bit by bit. Be prepared for an argument or two. You just have to slow down and stop doing so much. If you have never discussed these things with him, then this is not the route for you. This is the route only for those who have not been heard by him. If you have never communicated your feelings about this to him before, then you need to do that first for a while. Dont just jump in there with these tactics.

So what if the house becomes a mess. Yes we know you dont want to live in the mess, guess what? neither does he! You have to slow down so he can see just how much you do. Once he can't take it anymore, then drop it on him. Tell him you need his in put, you want him to do more around the house and stop taking you for granted. This way you can stop taking your own self for granted once he hears what you are saying and he starts to help around the house a bit.

I remember back in the past, to get my point across, I stopped packing and unpacking the dishwasher and stopped changing the bed. My husband is great around the house now. Imagine, we both went to work, done the same hours, but he would expect as I'm the woman to do the cooking. I did it at first then I found myself complaining, so I stopped the cooking. Now my husband cooks most of the time.

Believe me, they will all try it, if you let them. They can only get a way with it, for as long as you allow them. Now when I cook, he enjoys it more.

If we allow them, then they will.

Those Mysterious Phone calls

These are my solutions to the mysterious calls. Please do Remember they are my solutions. You may not agree with them at all. Tomorrow I will be tackling how to get that subtle revenge on your partner when he takes you for granted too much, or he doesn't show you enough attention.

He gets a lot of mysterious phone calls

Why? Why is your man getting mysterious phone calls? Why have you allowed your relationship to become like this? It is so rude for your man/husband/partner, to have phone calls, which you know nothing about. You don’t even know the person he is talking to. He walks out of the room when the phone rings. You should know who he is talking to. Even if it’s a business call you should know about it.

I’m not saying that you shouldn't talk in private. We all do at times. Sometimes when my phone rings, I walk away from my husband as I’m having a girlie chat with one of my sisters or my friends but he always knows who, I am talking to. He just doesn't have to know what the conversation is about all the time. He does the same to me too. We don’t do it often, but it happens. Any one in a relationship that has a partner who has many secret calls, texts etc, then you really need to question your relationship. Why all the secrecy. The only solution to this is you need to ask yourself, “ Do I really want this?”

No one deserves to be in a relationship where there are many many secrets. You are not a doormat. You need to have more respect for yourself. Its obvious there is something going on. Whatever it is, you don’t know about it. How many secrets can you stand? How many years do you want to wonder what is going on? This is your call. Is this what you want for yourself? Is this all you deserve.

Time to confront him about those calls. Get to the bottom of it. You need to let him know how rude it is, for you to both be in the same environment and he gets calls and you have no idea who and why they are calling. He either needs to stop taking the calls, turn the phone off, or stop being so secretive about it all. He needs to let you into his life a bit more.

When confronting him, again you have to coax him like a baby! Maybe you could approach him like this:

“Darling I'm distressed, I’m starting to feel really useless. I know you don’t mean to do the things that you do, but you are affecting me in a really bad way. I believe in my heart that you love me, but then, sometimes I have to question it. Does he really love me? Should I leave and start my life again?”

At this point he may want to jump in with his own words. Don’t allow him. You need to finish what you are saying first. Ask him nicely to allow you to get these things off your chest.

“Darling you get a lot of phone calls, which you take in secret. I don’t know what you are talking about, or who to, for all I know you could have another lover, or you could be planning a get out clause. It makes me feel like rubbish when you leave me there like nothing, whilst you take your calls in private. I have been putting up with it for a long time. At first it didn’t affect me, but its been going on for so long now and I cant take it anymore. I really feel awful about it. I'm not saying you shouldn't have your calls darling, I'm just saying, I think you need to take my feelings into consideration when making these calls, or taking these calls. I should know some of what is going on in your life”

Wait for his reaction, and then you should know how to take it from there. If you can reach a compromise then at least it’s a start. Ask him to turn his phone off at a certain time. Start there.